What Sri Aurobindo Means to Me
Everything and Nothing
Sri Aurobindo means everything to me; He means nothing to me.
There are moments when I am absorbed by His presence, lost in His smile; a child gazing into His eyes. Then He is everything – making me complete, at one with myself, in touch with the core of my being. Then there are no questions and no answers. It is just enough to be. There have been times when I have experienced an intimate connection, His touch, His guidance, His protection, very concretely. Not very often, but in a powerful way. These are the high points of my inner life and I can tap into these in moments of darkness when I am moving away from who I am and what am I here for. Then He is everything.
But, I am still so far away from doing sincere, constant sadhana. So far away from being preoccupied with yoga. I so easily forget to make the connection between the inner life and my speech, my actions, my thoughts, my emotions. There is no conscious memory of Sri Aurobindo or The Mother in these moments. Then He is nothing to me. Just a name, a photo. It is so easy to move away.
Such moments are much more than moments of deep inspiration and connectivity, but they are also superficial, whereas the moments of intensification are less but more powerful and longer lasting in their impact. That is the saving grace. Like a child, whether I deserve it or not, I believe that I mean something to Sri Aurobindo, and that is why He has brought me on this path. The challenge is to live up to what He expects of me.
- Anuradha (The Gnostic Centre, India)
First published in 'The Awakening Ray' (2021)
Hi Anuradha - You have beautifully surmised the essence of Sri Aurobindo into everything and nothing. Indeed, He is synonymous to Consciousness.
ReplyDeleteThanks Anuradha for the beautiful words.. really well expressed .. who is in this path could perfectly understand what you mean.
ReplyDeleteSabina- Centro Sri Aurobindo e Mère - Italy
You know, I wonder if you're being too hard on yourself, Anuradha. You write, with a vibration of sincerity and power, "There are moments when I am absorbed by His presence."
ReplyDeleteSo I wonder - at this very moment as you read these words, do you not feel His Presence?
I can almost hear the vital reaction: "well, I suppose, yes, but so many moments when "I" do not."
But what is the "I" that remember this, that thinks this, that supposedly is not feeling His Presence?
Is it not that ever changing pseudo center which identifies with the passing thoughts, feelings, instinctive reactions?
Here's something to reflect on: If you look much more closely at those times when you believe you were completely absorbed in outer activities, can you see - honestly, sincerely, looking back - was there an underlying current of aspiration, or even a subtle psychic unrest at the blindness and unconsciousness of the superficial surface consciousness?
This is mystifying to the mind which likes to make black and white distinctions - but I wonder, if you look more closely at this, His Presence may be "present" to your soul at times when your surface consciousness is not aware (and amusingly enough, may at times be MORE present!)
My Sufi teacher used to tell us, "God works in darkness." Meaning, the Divine may even NEED the surface consciousness to be absorbed in outer work at times in order to do Her work with less of the intransigence and obscurity of the surface ego which loves to proclaim its undying surrender to the Divine when in actuality, that's the last thing it wants!
The mantra of the ego: "Oh Lord, may my will be done and not Thine."
Thanks Don for taking the time to share your insights which, as always, are helpful in deepening the self-reflection. Indeed, it is the outer I that feels the disconnect, the inner I is always connected. The challenge is to bridge this chasm and live integrally each moment. And yes, even when I am disconnected, in the depths there is a memory. Even in despair and sadness, there is a smile within that awaits the melting away of the outer trauma. However, it is when the lower vital takes up the reins that even this faint connection is forgotten for those moments. So, it is not a question of outer activities, rather, a question of poise of consciousness - where is it stationed.
ReplyDeleteOf course, in this stationing also there are layers and while the outer consciousness may be stationed in the mind and simultaneously in the vital, there is the inner layer that is connected inwardly. In essence, as it is said, all here is the Brahman, I am That... yet, we still have to make an effort to BECOME in all aspects of manifested being, what we are in our essence. This is what I tried to express I think. I think... because, I did not think while writing it - it just flowed : )
(Don here). Ah yes, beautiful distinction between the inner and the outer. I did also want to suggest, there may be a way of looking at the inner-outer connection even when it is perceived to be disconnected; maybe I didn’t make myself clear. Sometimes we have spent so many years in a certain way of perceiving the inner-outer relationship, we may allow a certain mindset, or assumption to “intensify” that disconnect. I’m not sure how to say this in words, just a suggestion to reconsider, or to explore, what appears to be the experience of disconnection. But yes, beautiful and quite inspired reflections - much appreciated.
DeleteVery apt cation to summarize experiential journey.on Spiritual path ...with Bright and Dark moments due to interplay of exterior factors .remembrance of Sri Aurobindo as guide and his grace always acts as divine intervention to let us sail through Dark.moments and feel rejuvenated..
ReplyDeletePranav Srivastava
I recently came across a couple of lines in Letters On Yoga 4, which struck out to me. They were from Sri Aurobindo's letter pertaining to purifying the vital being, but the lines were general enough and quite straightforward.
ReplyDeleteThe lines said something to the effect of "The Mother's grace is working even when you can't feel it".. I found them inspirational and precise. Thus, even when we are wallowing in the lower hemispheres of consciousness, all is not lost, if we can manage to gather that little bit of faith.
ReplyDeleteDear Anuradha,
ReplyDeleteIn my experience which is similar to your description, there is a long process between ego being a helper and being a bar ( to use Sri Aurobindo's expression). The transition process cannot be overnight. The ego and the psychic reconciliation/integration is not an easy process, because the ego contains subconscious elements (mental and vital especially) that need to be brought to light first.
What I found helpful is being true to myself, my true soul qualities as much as I can and also know my limits at any given stage. I don't find it as helpful to fancy about supramental transformation when parts of my ego are not yet on board and resist simplest yogic practices.
Wholeness can be experienced rather modestly as long as all the parts of being are in proportion and harmonious, rather than some parts fancying about advanced stages of the yoga and other parts trapped in roles and surface identity constructions.
Of course I am talking about my experiences and not making any assumptions about others.
Those moments of feeling intimate are more valuable to me than when I create a distance by putting Sri Aurobindo and the Mother so up-high and beyond. That, I find, is another trick of the ego for not doing the basic practices.
Thanks for the sincere sharing!