Moving Beyond Pain
As I walk on the wet by-lanes of Mumbai sheltered by my umbrella, the rains stab the streets with a million transparent swords that melt and disappear into an infinitely absorbent earth.
“But ma’am, why should I go through pain at all?” asks Sandeep, his youthful forehead wrinkling into frowns. “If God exists why does He always make things so difficult?” he persists. “Isn’t it natural to want revenge if someone has hurt and harmed me so much?” His questions continued to pelt, much like the unrelenting rains in the background.
I return home after a long chat with Sandeep over his existential dilemmas. His questions bring a sense of deja vu to me; they are questions which had stormed through my adolescent mind a couple of decades ago. I recall those days when I had raised angry fists at the unyielding skies and then dropped them helplessly.
Those days when my starry eyes had shone with dreams of fame and glamour and my mind had told me that becoming a doctor was the shortest road to get there! Determined and one pointed I had appeared for my H.S.C. exams. My Biology and Chemistry paper were a breeze, but in my Physics paper, I miscalculated the time and didn’t finish a mathematical problem that would have taken me only a minute to solve. Sure enough, when my results came, I had scored over 90% in Biology and Chemistry, but my Physics marks were 89%!
I realised that my one minute of miscalculation had lost me the medical seat I had worked so hard for. I was devasted to say the least. I entered the field of Bio-Medical Engineering because that seemed to be my only option. I didn’t enjoy it at all, because while I enjoyed pure sciences, I wasn’t interested in electronics and electricals. When I finished my graduation I started working in the Corporate world for a few months. I was like a fish out of water and absolutely miserable. My dreams were fading along with my faith in existence.
On an impulse I decided to leave my corporate job and go back to the J.B. Petit school where I had studied; to teach in the place of another teacher who was going on maternity leave. I thought that I would take a small break and then rejoin the corporate world. But the teacher never came back and I never left. The first time I stepped into a classroom my heart sang with a dim recognition of having found my instrument! The children’s smiling faces and uncalculated love rejuvenated the self-esteem that had suffered much battering during my time in the Corporate. In course of time I moved from teaching math and science to yoga, which is offered as an I.C.S.E optional subject at J.B., which I continue to teach to this day. At this point in my life I can honestly say that nothing gives me more joy than the work I do!
I gaze out of my window and see that it has almost stopped raining. The incessant hissing of the rains has muted down to a subdued sibilance. I look at the earth so hot, steamy and demanding just a couple of days ago but so quenched and satiated after the rains. I remember when the disappointment and failure seemed to be raining down in torrents on my life, and how I had longed for it to stop.
I realise now that the same rain that I thought would wash me away, was in fact watering a bud, hidden inside me.
Today I am grateful that I miscalculated time in my Physics paper, because looking back I don’t think that Medicine was the right option for me. I love being a teacher more than anything else in the world. And now I can clearly see, that everything that seemed unfortunate and painful then, led to an eventual good!
Over the years, the hardened boundaries of self-defence have been eroded away. My stance on life has changed, my self-imposed prison has dissolved. I no longer see life as something threatening, something to be survived with gritted teeth. I get to live now with the joyful abandon of a child whose all-powerful Mother is constantly watching over her.
As these words sparkle in my heart like sacred jewels, I long to share their sheen with Sandeep; with all those Sandeeps I meet in life, wearing a quizzical expression, stupefied by the enormity of life and buckling under its burden of pain.
I long to whisper in each of their cringing, fearful ears, “You are safe, you have always been safe.”
I long to breathe into all their hearts what I read in Sri Aurobindo’s epic poem Savitri, and which has been shown to me through my own experience of life:
“Arisen from the tragic crash of life,
Arisen from the body’s torture and death,
The spirit rises mightier by defeat;
Its godlike wings grow wider with each fall.Its splendid failures sum to victory.”1
Indeed, as we mature, we find failures to be important gifts from the Divine, from Life. I resonate with your experience of children helping one drop off veils, get closer to one's genuine self and just have a great time learning and growing together : ) I too 'by chance' landed into teaching and found my vocation. Thanks for sharing so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteYes Anuradha, failures are indeed grace.What a blessing ,that led both of us into the very special walls of a classroom!
DeleteAnahita, your experience will resonate with all as every one has experienced failure in life. Your poetic style of writing is indeed endearing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful description of Life for most of us.
ReplyDeleteHaving grown up in the Ashram from the age of two( 1944) in the Ashram, I look back over the past 80 years and see that She has guided me all through my life and now placed me in southern California attached to the Center here. Whether we are conscious or not Their guidance is ever present.