The Game of Tennis and the Vital’s Ill-Will
The ball fell just short of my reach. “What the hell! Can he not place it so that I can reach it easily?” The next one came to me and I hit back comfortably. A couple of balls later, again it fell too short. “This is too much. He is not making it easy for me. Doesn’t he know I am a beginner? After all, why should I run? Did I not sleep late last night? Have I not been working hard? Am I not trying to learn tennis at an age where most people stop playing it?”
Yes, this is the way Mr. Vital went on inside me that morning at my tennis practice, and on many other mornings. I felt quite justified in playing badly, in not cooperating with the coach, in not making an effort to exceed myself. The entire blame was his. He wasn’t making things easy for me – just the way I wanted them.
Who was this I? Only the Vital. No, nothing of the Mind or the Body and definitely not the Psychic. For, as I played and exerted myself, I could sense the body enjoying the effort. The Mind too knew that learning meant self-exceeding, and the Psychic of course was behind the choice of the activity in the first place. But how cleverly the Vital used the Mind and the Body to non-cooperate. The body felt heavy, sluggish and became more so as the hour ticked by.
I had been told earlier that my Vital was quite demanding and wanted things its own way. But never before had I experienced it so clearly and in such an ‘extra-curricular’ activity as learning tennis (for it had nothing to do with my chosen profession) or against a person with whom I had no interaction otherwise and had no history of trouble or egoistic clash or resistance.
As the practice progressed, I noticed many other strands coming up starkly in my nature – my response towards work, towards excellence, towards effort. But what most clearly stood out was this Ill-will in the Vital and how it operated. Slightest opposition by circumstances or people (even though they were unaware of it) and my Vital went on strike. The outer action continued but there was a withdrawal inside. Instead of voicing it or fighting it, I just de-motivated myself and let my performance be affected. At the same time the background orchestra of self-justification began its coercive chant. And in no time a whole baggage had been collected against the other person – the other still being quite unaware of this inner drama! If things did not go my way – a way which I had at no time specified explicitly to the other person but I expected him to know it in any case – I will not budge.
And I found the same pattern in my work: ‘Do not voice your expectation or desire. Give the impression that you have no preference. But hold the preference within. Then react negatively if that expectation or preference is not met. And feel justified in doing so. Feel indignant with the other for spoiling things, harming the work. Do not voice your anger or resistance to the other. Just withdraw your cooperation and let the work suffer. But from outside let everything go on as usual, leaving the others too wondering what went wrong after all.’ And the Vital took a perverse delight in this. A combination of sadism and masochism. Terrible Ill-will.
Thus, Tennis became for me an opportunity to identify this trait in me and go past it. I started being vigilant and pushing myself to do well, to try and reach all balls – I still did not tell the coach to make things really difficult for me (that too will come) – but I started running all over the court and making the effort at least. And what did I see? In just 2 days – 2 days only – my game improved considerably. For as I have seen repeatedly in these last few months, Tennis (and perhaps other sport as well) is a game of the Mind more than the Body – it seems to me. The moment I am concentrated, determined, focused on perfecting something (the posture, an attitude, a stroke, foot movement), the game changes in leaps and bounds. My skills are the same, yet the game changes. And so the Mind came in to take over the Vital and the result was immediate. The heaviness and sluggishness vanished (for it had not really existed in the first place) and the Vital too began to enjoy the effort and focus on perfection.
The same thing would have taken me much longer to identify, acknowledge, accept, overcome at a purely psychological level – in my work. But through a physical sport, it became much easier. And then I concretely understood why The Mother and Sri Aurobindo have given so much importance to physical culture.
good narrative of real life story ... all of us face similar situations when we Life journey when specially when we start learning new skills late in Life ... may be because of habit formations ..and less flexibility to adapt new situations ...very relevant and useful reference
ReplyDeleteDear Anuradha,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed reading this. True experience.
Regards
Pradeep Narang
Thank you so much Pradeep bhai.
DeleteFor me, self-compassion and reflection are better guides when negative emotions kick in. Sometimes, the feeling of anger and resistance is a reflection of deep unmet needs, and unprocessed feelings of past violations that need to be put under the loving guidance, care, and time of one's higher presence. To cater to the deep pain lingering underneath. Maybe we have never been listened to or validated while growing up or in a society that stresses achievement, showing up positively, and being always the good, adjusted self, rather than respecting and celebrating the humanness and struggles and fear and pain of being an individual. So, we don't feel safe or justified in voicing our feelings. Our inner critic immediately shuts us down- saying things -like "it doesn't matter" or "it is too trivial to voice". Or maybe we don't have the skills to effectively communicate our pains, as it has never been shown to us by a caring, loving role model. Negative feelings are portrayed as bad in our society, and since nobody wants to be bad we let others and society's expectations of achievement and goodness push us. We forget to honor and respect the deep wisdom and message these unprocessed pain holds and is trying to communicate... instead just label them as "negative's... and society, and authority validates that.... to be so-called good always, rather than being authentic. As very few can bear the courage of deep authenticity, to be absolutely naked within... The vital is often blamed in Integral yoga, ... I feel it also has a pearl of deep wisdom and needs to be honored, as those feelings don't happen in a vacuum, or when we are feeling nourished, cared for, and validated within and out... in deep connection of our experience at the present moment, rather than wishing it was something else other than what it is, wishing it was something good, so-called enlightening..... Or trying to overcome them with our mental conceptions of what is good, spiritual... The human layer is more complex and there are a lot more layers of pain, layers of rejection, violations, and neglect.... that shows up.... to be healed.....and that needs a deep love, a deep inner delve within and take each layer of pain and offer it to the greater presence, where loving guidance and kindness and an innate knowing can slowly heal layer by layer, making us more aware of each subtle dynamics and respect and honor the process.
ReplyDeleteAa
ReplyDeleteThanks!
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